With the political carnage in Parliament yesterday, I wonder if Bunter Johnson will fly government flags at half mast today. I am not going to say much about it at this stage because there is still a long way to go, but I fear that democracy in this country is well and truly dead and I am horribly afraid that Brexit probably is as well.

Elsewhere, the outgoing UN Resident Coordinator Ambassador for Zimbabwe (Now there is a grand title!) Bishow Parajuli has said the secret to economic revival for the country is Agriculture. Jeepers, the man must be psychic! Zim has relied on agriculture for well over a century! Parajuli was speaking at a workshop in Harare when he said Zimbabwe has a great future ahead (WHAT!!) and all its citizens must work together in the transformation process being spearheaded by Emmerson Mnangagwa. To my slightly cynical mind, the man must have been smoking ‘wacky baccy’ damnit! Or does he live in a world of his own dreaming?

“Zimbabwe can produce not only to feed itself but Africa and beyond.” He pontificated and obliquely he was right. We certainly used to do that. “The country has so much land, the right weather and water. With the right policies the country can overcome all these challenges.

‘I hope economic challenges will be a thing of the past, with efforts by Government to transform the country and bringing long term sustainable solutions. International engagement, opening the country for business and concrete development plans are excellent visions from his Excellency President Mnangagwa.

‘Efforts of Central Government and leadership of President Mnangagwa has been excellent as shown by the appeal document we launched on 6 August.”

That sort of verbosity is difficult to follow but it is typical of United Nations speak. Having witnessed their representatives in action on many occasions, I have never had much time for the organisation but this fawning hypocrisy and rambling piffle is difficult to take, particularly when it deals with my own ravaged country.

Parajuli who has completed his term of duty in Zimbabwe is now going to India. All I can say is ‘God help the Indians.’

I have always felt most comfortable in woollen clothing but now that bunch of collective nutcases, PETA (something about the ethical treatment of animals) have decreed in large advertisements all over the country that I am cruel.

‘Don’t let them pull the wool over your eyes. Wool is as cruel as fur. Go wool free this winter,’ proclaim the banners on buses everywhere. What utter codswallop! Sheep need regular shearing for their own health so what do these fanatically idiotic nincompoops suggest should happen to the resulting fleeces? Should we throw them away and add to the pollution already choking the planet? Must we all wear synthetic fibre and what happens to thousands of people whose living depends on the wool industry?

The PETA campaign even included the bizarre demand that the Dorset village of Wool should change its name. I would have thought sheep in the area would have been pleased rather than offended to have a whole village named after them!

Thankfully and as if to prove that there is still a modicum of common sense being used in this mixed up country,  the Advertising Standards Authority has ruled the claim that ‘wool is as cruel as fur’ is simply false and misleading and it has banned PETA from running ads making the claim in future.

We have more than enough in the way of benighted buffoons spouting misguided nonsense on both sides of Parliament at the moment. Won’t someone protect us from the vegan fanatics of PETA?

Somehow, I don’t think so. Militant zealots like members of most animal rights organisations are always quick to take offence and nobody wants to risk that.

The Royal Biscuit (do they still make gingernuts I wonder or do they call them something else to be politically correct?) was in trouble again yesterday. He was attending a conference on something or the other in Amsterdam when he was asked by a member of the audience how he had travelled there and if he was changing his travel behaviour.

The Biscuit replied airily, ‘I came here by commercial, I spend 99% of my life travelling the world by commercial, but occasionally there needs to be an opportunity based on a unique circumstance to ensure that my family are safe – it’s generally as simple as that.’

He went on to say that he balances out the impact he has on the environment and will continue to do so.

‘Oh Harry, Harry why are you such a pratwinkle? From being the darling of little old ladies in this country you are making yourself into a complete laughing stock.’

After his comment about the ninety-nine percent, tabloid media hacks gleefully dug into their research files to discover that since getting together with his Yank, six out of every ten flights made by the Biscuit have been on private jets.

There are also ten trains to Amsterdam every day. What else can I say?

This nation is not really at war, but with all that is going on at the moment, it seems somewhat like it. This week is crunch time: our elected leaders return to Westminster tomorrow and regretfully they hold the destiny of the nation in their hands. If MPs choose to back the Government’s policy on EU withdrawal, then the referendum decision will finally be implemented after three long and fretful years. If not, this country will be plunged into an even deeper crisis, made all the worse by the slight chance that Jeremy Corbyn could emerge from the chaos to seize power.  

The fight – and fight it will be damnit – has been given fresh intensity by the Prime Minister’s decision to suspend Parliament for five weeks from September 9th, a move that is said to restrict the Remainers’ room for manoeuvre in their bid to thwart Brexit. But ninety percent of these overpaid nincompoops will be living it up at their various party conferences for most of that time, so the reality is that Parliament will be prorogued for a maximum of six days.    

Johnson’s decision brought thousands of demonstrators on to the streets over the weekend to protest at the prorogation. Marches were held in thirty-two towns, while the centre of London came to a standstill. These demonstrations were accompanied by frenzied language from left-wing politicians and anti-Brexit campaigners. Typical was the hysterical outburst from the Liberal Democrat MP Tom Brake, who proclaimed that Johnson’s “declaration of war will be met with an iron fist.”

Prat!

Another demonstrator called for Brexiteers to be gassed and ‘Auschwitz for Brexiteers,’ while a radio host claimed that the flu vaccine should be restricted to Remainers. I hope he will be fired but once again, I am not holding my breath.

Beyond such tinpot agitation, the anti-Brexiteers are stepping up their plots in Westminster. They have drawn up a plan to call an emergency debate tomorrow, then seize control of the order of business in the Commons. They would then pass legislation both to block a no-deal departure from the EU and to demand a further extension of Article 50.  

If these tactics fail, then they will have to resort to a motion of no confidence in the Government. In this, they will be assisted, not only by up to twenty diehard Tory rebels but also by the Pipsqueaker himself who from his holiday in Turkey, melodramatically described Bunter’s prorogation of Parliament as a ‘constitutional outrage.’

More of a constitutional outrage is Bercow himself with his arrogant mix of bellowing self-importance and complete partisanship, both of which will be on full display this week, God help any parliamentarian who dares to disagree with the little twonk.

But let’s face it; this has to stop. Victory for anti-Government forces in Parliament would be a disaster, a recipe for more paralysis, more uncertainty and more self-indulgence from the political elite – they think of themselves as elite at any rate! After three years of stalemate, most of us are fed up to the back teeth by the failure of Westminster to implement Brexit.    

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am also fed up with the huge hypocrisy of Remainers, who blather about democracy but seek to overturn the referendum result, which was reached after the greatest democratic exercise in UK history. The pro-EU brigade’s phoney indignation about the constitution is just a cover for their longing to stay as part of Europe.  

These jumped up fanatics trumpet the fact that 1.6 million people have signed a petition against prorogation. Sure they have, but that total is pretty insignificant beside the 17.4 million who voted Leave. Has everyone forgotten that I wonder?

Fortunately, Bunter Johnson shows no signs of being cowed. On the contrary, he has fought back with spirit and whether you like him or loathe him, he should be supported against the fanatics. The defensive timidity that characterised Mother Maybe’s European negotiations has been replaced by a new spirit of resolution. Despite my doubts about Bunter, I find his attitude somewhat refreshing.

I suppose it is partly because the Prime Minister knows that hard-headed determination is the only way to crack EU intransigence and get a better deal. As he put it yesterday, “the one thing that could undermine the UK’s ability to negotiate would be Brussels thinking that there is some chance the referendum result could be cancelled and that Brexit could be blocked.”

He is right and last week there were signs that Europe’s leaders, for all their stubbornness in public, may be willing to be more flexible. That must surely make it all the more imperative that Johnson is not undermined at home. Given what is at stake, he is right to be as tough as possible and this is reflected in his threat to deselect rebellious MPs who defy the Tory whip.

Despite all the froth in the media and condemnation from the Remain lobby, much of the public seems to back Johnson’s approach. An opinion poll yesterday put the Tories 11 points ahead of Labour. Most voters just want the Government to get on with Brexit.  

For the sake of national unity, Bunter Johnson must win this week. The Remainer insurrection against what so many of us voted for must not succeed.

For me, one of the most horrific pictures of the weekend nonsense was that of a young couple burning a tourist version of the Union Jack outside Parliament. In most countries (including European ones) they would have been arrested instantly and thrown into the nick – or worse. Here they are looked upon by many of their fellow Remainers as heroes.

I just pray that common sense prevails this week and not the mindless anarchy that has been on display over the past few days.

As this poor deluded nation braces itself for more traffic disruption and hysterical outpourings from leftist loonies today, I can only wonder what heroic figures from days gone by would make of it all. Can this really be the nation that ruled and developed a large part of the world? Cecil Rhodes, Clive of India and many others devoted their lives to making Britain a power in the world, but now the country they gave their lives for is becoming a laughing stock.

As a nation, modern Britain seems to have lost all semblance of rationality. This is supposed to be a democratic society where specific people are employed by the rest of the population to carry out our wishes.

That at least is what I was brought up to believe yet look at the current mob – and there is no other word for it I’m afraid – of agitators making hay with the will of the people. They tell us that they are merely protesting against the ‘coup that is taking place in this country.’

That is arrant nonsense I’m afraid. Parliament voted to grant us, the British people a referendum on our membership of the EU. Parliament voted to trigger Article 50 when a majority of us voted to leave. Five hundred and sixty-eight of the six hundred and fifty current MPs were elected on manifestos pledging to respect the referendum result.

Parliament also voted on three separate occasions to prevent Britain leaving the European Union with a deal. And Parliament voted on March 26th to take control of the Brexit process, held a succession of votes on its preferred Brexit model and spectacularly failed to find a majority for any of them.

All the hysterical expressions of democratic outrage we have heard over the past few days ignore one simple fact. The people of Britain voted to leave the European Union in the biggest expression of popular will seen in this country since the introduction of the universal franchise. Yet more than three years later, our duly elected representatives persistently and pig-headedly refuse to respect and implement that democratic instruction.

‘Boris Johnson is acting like an unelected dictator,’ they cry while literally plotting to install Jeremy Corbyn or Harriet Harman or Kenneth Clarke or any other dunderhead they can think of in Downing Street. Who is really acting like a dictator? The person who is attempting to force Parliament to act in concert with the wishes of the people or those who are yet again and for the umpteenth time attempting to impose a never-ending parliamentary veto over the wishes of the voters?

When are the Remainers going to be honest with us. They don’t want to recognise the referendum result. They don’t want to see a No Deal Brexit or a soft Brexit or anything that even resembles Brexit. They think that when Britain voted to leave, Britain voted the wrong way. They want another referendum to reverse the result they didn’t want originally. But the majority of them just can’t muster the courage to say so and to be honest, I feel that were another referendum to be held, the leave folk would have a bigger majority than they did before.

So this week the Remainers bless ‘em will begin their own act of insurrection. The fact that Bunter Johnson is specifically attempting to avoid the very No Deal Brexit they profess to oppose is irrelevant. They will take to the streets. They will occupy bridges. They will cause mass disruption to people attempting to get on with their lives and they will blandly assure us that they are doing it in the name of democracy. In other words they will lie through their collective teeth.

A coup is indeed under way. But it is not being mounted by the Prime Minister.

How the rest of the world must be laughing at Britain. The Europeans know that they merely need to wait and the likes of Corbyn and his cronies will scupper Britain for them and bring us all meekly back under the European heel.

Squeaker Bercow has called the prorogation an ‘offence against the democratic process,’ but the real offence has been the past three years of anti Brexit actions, many of them brought about by the Squeaker himself.

What sort of democracy is this if a Remain campaigner, Gina Miller with a former prime minister by her side can somehow manage to persuade the courts to block Brexit? Is it democratic to allow unelected judges to go against the will of the people?

If the demonstrators against prorogation had any sense of irony, they would not be adopting the umbrella symbol in an attempt to equate their protests with those of the demonstrators in Hong Kong. The Remainers are at no risk of being gunned down in their thousands like the pro-democracy demonstrators who face a tyrannous Chinese regime. It is a pitiful mockery of the Hong Kongers’ perhaps foolish bravery to try to co-opt their symbol, and yet another example of Remainers’ over the top rhetoric.

All I can say is that surely the majority of British citizens are heartily fed up with the hyperbolic hysteria being harnessed and moulded by the few usual culprits like Soubry, Grieve, Swinson and Lucas as well as a few more arrogant politicians. They are backed up of course by public figures like Owen Jones, Hugh Grant and the rest. In other words, ineffectual politicians, left-leaning rabble rousers and actors no longer in the public eye. Grant for instance showed us his intellectual powers by using the F word twice in a short twitter rant. Like most actors, he can only sound other than vacuous when the words are written for him.

Everyone is entitled to a point of view, but mobs are mobs, whatever cause they think they are espousing and I am sorry to point it out, but mobs are ruddy dangerous.

Also ruddy dangerous is the modern police attitude to drug laws. If even thirty years ago, a police force had proposed to let off drug dealers and give them free driving lessons and gym memberships, the Chief Constable involved would have had to resign immediately and everyone would have been up in arms.

Yet Avon and Somerset Police have announced that they are to do just that and nobody seems to care.

And it is drug dealers we are talking about, not casual users. For years, senior coppers have excused their failure to pursue mere users by saying this would free them to catch the evil dealers. Now they are to reward the said ‘evil dealers.’ I am sorry but it makes me ashamed to have ever worn the uniform of a British Bobby, even though the plod of the 1960s were a vastly different organisation.

What pathetic nonsense it all is! British coppers long ago ceased to be police as I understood the term when I pounded pavements in this country. They are just armed and uniformed social workers, full of excuses for crime and utterly opposed to the idea of punishing responsible wrongdoers.

This particular outfit (Avon and Somerset) announced in 2004 that it had given up arresting cannabis users. In 2016, it became the fifth police district in the country to say openly that it just wasn’t interested in acting against possession of the drug, despite the fact that cannabis causes a great deal of the violence currently taking place in British towns and cities.

Yet using cannabis is still a criminal offence and carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison. So what gives any officer the right to ignore laws passed by Parliament?

Why does nobody protest or demonstrate against this outrage I wonder? To have an official police force – sorry, I still can’t call it a service – reward serious criminals for committing serious crime seems far more outrageous than closing down an argumentative Parliament for a few days.

What a weird lot our political elite are proving to be. In 2016 we were told that we were to vote either to remain in the European Union or to leave it. That seemed straightforward enough, but apparently it was not. We were also told that whichever way the vote went, the government would follow the will of the People and that this was to be a once in a lifetime choice.

What total tarradiddle that turned out to be! I voted to leave but did not expect to be on the winning side so when the result was announced, I was pleasantly surprised and optimistic for the future. Having handed out independence to all its former colonies, Britain was going to become independent itself. That surely had to be a good thing. Doesn’t everyone want freedom?

Huh! Perhaps the politicians were reading the history books and noting what disasters befell the countries they gave away. Whatever the case, the political elite faddled and fudged along for three years without getting anywhere. Mother Maybe promised everything, didn’t deliver and had to go, so Bunter Johnson (He does rather remind me of Greyfriars Billy) took over.

I have always looked upon the man as a clever buffoon, but so far, he has shown a will of steel. So much so that those who lost the referendum have started to panic. Heaven forbid that the will of the Great Unwashed is actually carried out! Let’s shut down the country. Let’s take the government to Court. Let’s have another referendum – then presumably another when the same result is declared. Eventually the public will have had enough and throw up their arms in surrender.

Then we, the British people can remain as vassals of Europe rather than masters of our own lives.

One of those involving himself in legal attempts to thwart Bunter J’s plans is the former boss man John Major. As prime minister, Major is only remembered for his love of cricket (very commendable) and having it off with Edwina Curry – I won’t comment on that! Yet now he has joined forces with Guyanan businesswoman, Gina Miller and is attempting to get the Courts to declare the prorogation of Parliament – for but five days remember – illegal.

Has this hapless Wannabe forgotten his own record of prorogation? He used the same tactic way back in 1997 when he prorogued Parliament early for the election in what was seen as an attempt to avoid scrutiny over the cash-for-questions scandal. In that case, the Houses were suspended nineteen days earlier than was necessary before the general election, delaying the publication of a damning report. 

Which of course left the door open for Anthony Blair and we all know what he did to this country.

I suppose the hapless Major is hoping everyone has forgotten all that that but why is he getting involved in any case? Is he perhaps missing the limelight all of a sudden?

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson has declared he is also taking part in the bid. That should make the prime minister quake in his boots!

It is quite sad really and I hope that whichever judges are hearing the three separate attempts to derail Brexit will prove to be as learned as judges ought to be. I am not holding my breath though.

With all the brouhaha going on at the moment, the House of Lords have remained a bit quiet – I suppose they can’t get a word in edgeways. But they have been busy though. They have brought in a rule by which peers can work outside Parliament without having to reveal the identity of their paymasters.

How can that possibly be anything but dangerous to the security of the Nation? Any one of them could be employed by corrupt foreign governments or disreputable corporate interests and no one need know anything about it. 

It seems to me that the Upper Chamber risks becoming even more of a crooks’ paradise than it is already.

Needless to say, this shocking change was made without debate.

Hereditary peerages were abolished some years ago and at the time I felt it was probably a good move, but there are so many shysters in ermine these days that I now have my doubts.

Abolish the lot I say. We don’t need them and could save a fortune for the NHS, the police, schools etcetera.

The hysterical baying of Westminster mobs grows ever louder but for today I am going to ignore it and concentrate on other things.

I am not one of the ‘hang ’em and flog ’em’ brigade but there are times when the administration of justice in this country seems most peculiar and leaves a vaguely nasty taste in my mouth.

At Preston Crown Court this week, a teenage sex offender who used the internet to prey on schoolgirls walked free after a judge ruled that he was going through a ‘difficult time in his teens.’ 

Didn’t we all, but that surely is no excuse for paedophilia.

Nineteen year old Kyle Sweet targeted three youngsters between the age of thirteen and fourteen over social media during a predatory online campaign between 2017 and 2019.    

He asked them for sexualised videos and sent pictures of his own genitalia but was eventually discovered when the girls’ mothers became aware of what was happening. Police detained Sweet at his Blackpool home in December last year over explicit communications with one victim. They then bailed him but he carried on with his activities.

He targeted two other girls while officers investigated the online chats. He was rearrested in February and has been in custody since then. In Court he pleaded guilty to causing a child to engage in sexual activity and engaging in sexual communication with a child. Pretty hideous offences, you will agree but Sweet was only given a three-year community order after reports were submitted that he probably suffered from ADHD, was ‘incredibly immature’ and had been pestered for sexual favours by fellow inmates while on remand.

Judge Andrew Woolman told him: ‘You have no previous convictions and were clearly in a difficult time in your teens. You are diagnosed with possible ADHD and the author of your pre-sentence report describes you as ‘incredibly immature.’ You are an isolated individual and find it difficult finding relationships with people of your own age and that’s perhaps why you tend to approach younger girls.

‘You have had time whilst in prison to consider the seriousness of what you have done. 

‘While in prison you have been pestered for sex by other prisoners and while prison officers have tried to protect you, they have not been able to do so completely.’

The judge went on to say that he had taken some time to ‘reflect’ and had decided the best course of action was to issue a community order instead of imprisonment. 

I am sure the learned judge was sincere in giving his ruling but if I had been the parent of any of the lasses involved, I would have been extremely upset at what has to be a travesty of justice. Particularly as the Mother of one of them actually spoke to Sweet and reminded him of just how young her daughter was.

The Judge finished up by telling Sweet, “Do not breach this order or you’ll be in a serious mess.”

That must have left him trembling in his boots!

With so many British schools discouraging competition in sports for fear that failure will scar pupils for life, it is strange how many ‘Olympic Games’ have sprung up of late.

I read a report on the WorldSkills Olympics recently held in Kazan which I believe is somewhere in Darkest Russia. Believe it or not, Britain won two gold medals, one silver, one bronze and fifteen ‘medallions of excellence.’ The biggest British successes came in the fields of beauty therapy, aircraft maintenance and car painting.

Perhaps Bunter Johnson will confer knighthoods on the successful competitors, if only to distract those people howling for his head.

I am not sure what event I could qualify for and win a gold medal but Baron Pierre de Coubertin who founded the modern Olympics must be turning in his grave.

To judge by the hysterical reaction to Bunter Johnsons suspension of Parliament, you would think he had mounted an African type coup and held a pistol to Queenie’s head.

The Poison Dwarf from North of the border called him a tin-pot dictator. Commons squeaker Bercow interrupted his holidays to declare a constitutional outrage had taken place, while Tory backbench rebel Dominic Grieve used the same phrase. Corbyn(bless him) merely accused Mr Johnson of being reckless.

Personally I never thought he would do it but now that he has, I can’t help feeling a sneaking sense of admiration for his ‘constitutional outrageousness.’ After all, those complaining the loudest are the ones who have been intent of stopping Brexit from the start.

Is that not a constitutional outrage or does it depend on one’s point of view? As they plough through their bacon and eggs this morning, Remainer politicians are doubtless still shuddering, complaining and dabbing their fevered brows. They are joined by an outraged group of twenty-five querulous Anglican bishops, who have written a letter that suggests they regard No Deal as an unchristian outcome.

Concentrate on increasing the size of your dwindling congregations, Fellows and stay out of politics. Wearing a dog collar does not mean you are profoundly knowledgeable.

Amid all this hysterical cat-calling, I hate to point out that Parliament is being deprived of only five or six days of sittings before reconvening on October 14. It wasn’t due to sit in the second half of September and the first of October in any case as our worthy representatives need to get together and woffle nonsense at their party conferences.

Which would have happened in any case damnit!

So I find it a bit pathetic to represent yesterday’s announcement as an assault on the British constitution and the rule of law. In more ways than one, this Brexit business is driving the whole country nuts.

And why all the outrage over a few short days. In the first place, MPs have had three years to agree a plan and have not done so. They’ve debated and voted and argued for thousands of hours without being able to settle on a resolution which commands majority support. Will an additional five or six days change that?

I doubt it somehow.

When the Commons reassembles after their lengthy break next Tuesday, the outraged Squeaker and the likes of Grieve, Sturgeon and the lugubrious Hammond will doubtless redouble their efforts to force the Prime Minister to postpone, or reverse, Brexit.

Whether they will succeed is another matter because they cannot even agree among themselves, but they will have their chance next week and the beginning of the following week, and after October 14th.

And Jeremy Corbyn (who disgracefully attempted to drag poor Queenie into this mess by demanding a meeting with her) can also have a go and call a motion of No Confidence in the Government next week, or when the Commons returns. I have a feeling that he won’t though, because his divided rabble is floundering in the polls, and would be unlikely to win anything in the election that would follow such a motion being passed.

It seems strange but symptomatic of something vaguely hypocritical that Remainers howling about the Prime Minister’s unconstitutional behaviour are much the same people who have been prepared to bend, twist and otherwise ignore constitutional precedent by seizing power from the Government so that they can pack Johnson off to Brussels to beg an extension.

And you know this suspending of Parliament for however long must surely make a deal more likely. Unless Remainer MPs succeed in their power-grab when the Commons briefly returns next week, the Government will have a clear run of just over four weeks during which it cannot be undermined by parliamentary shenanigans or nasty interventions from Squeaker Bercow. EU leaders and bureaucrats will no longer be able to pin their hopes on the idea that MPs are going to rescue them from the need to negotiate with the government over the Irish backstop. Over the past week both Merkel and Macron have wavered in their view that the sacrosanct Withdrawal Agreement cannot be revisited so there is definite cause for a modicum of optimism.

If Remainer MPs and their incessant and often destructive plotting are absent from the battlefield during the next few weeks, Mr Johnson will be able to enter unfettered talks with Brussels which must surely help.

Who knows, but when the Queen’s Speech is read out on October 14 to signal the beginning of a new session and the unveiling of the Government’s legislative programme, there could be the outline of an agreement between the Government and the EU. If the price of agreement is the loss of five or six days of Commons’ squabbling, I don’t think many people will be too upset or listen to the hysterical claptrap about our constitution being turned upside-down.

Nor will they be taken in by Remainer caterwauling about a supposed onslaught on democracy. Whatever small sliver of democratic accountability is being momentarily sacrificed pales into insignificance compared with the efforts of some Remainer MPs to undo the result of the referendum.

The truth is that Bunter Johnson’s proposal is actually very modest and well-judged. I believe it brings us closer to a satisfactory agreement with Brussels, and therefore makes No Deal less probable.

But he is taking on almost the entire British Establishment, bishops included in a courageous way and that scares me just a little.

The Germans are getting nasty about Brexit now. They are threatening that if Britain leaves without a deal, they will no longer send us their Sauerkraut, Schweinshaxe (pig’s knuckle to the uninitiated) and other Teutonic delicacies.

Such a threat must surely give Boris Johnson a moment or two to reflect. After all, I am sure we all enjoy a good schweins -whatever sandwich for a weekend treat. Don’t we?

Which brings me to the latest victim of Brexit-induced idiocy, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He has always seemed a meekly sensible sort of fellow, but he is in danger of being sucked into the hysteria of the liberal political Mafia.

Senior Remain MPs have invited Archbishop Welby to chair a series of ‘citizens’ assemblies’ at Coventry Cathedral, aimed at discussing ‘alternatives to leaving the EU.’ 

The Archbishop announced he’d be glad to do so, provided that such an initiative ‘doesn’t aim to stop or delay Brexit and has cross-party support.’

But any citizens’ assembly – would they be like the ‘Courts’ of the French Revolution I wonder – would inevitably be made up of ardent Remainers without support from the general public. After all, the MPs who invited him — the likes of Hilary Benn and Yvette Cooper — are rabid Remainers who have been bleating hysterically since the referendum result was announced.

Then the Bishop of Buckingham stuck his nose into the argument, insisting that clergymen had a duty to ‘challenge the attacks, the xenophobia and the racism that seem to have been felt to be acceptable at least for a while.’

Who in the name of all that is holy does this jumped-up God-botherer think he is? I voted leave and have repeatedly railed against the argumentative delays and apparent official confusion but this sort of rhetoric makes me cross. To attribute Brexit to ‘xenophobia’ and ‘racism’ is politically correct snobbery. Bishops should stick to their pulpits. Preaching politics is not their job.

For the past three years, though, this stuff has been par for the course. Thrashing around in the mad disappointment of their defeat, the Remainers seem to see themselves as holy crusaders, fighting the good fight against the forces of evil.

But why oh why can they not accept reality? They could have won the referendum, but they didn’t. They could have voted for Mother Maybe’s deal, but they didn’t. They had their chance on three separate occasions and they didn’t take it.

If these holier-than-thou nobodies had an ounce of humility, they’d admit it. All most of us want is an end to the political squabbling and chicanery that we have been subjected to for three years. We want out so that life can get back to some semblance of normality. If Johnson with his bombast can achieve that, he will have done well.

Eight stamps featuring images taken during the finals of the Cricket World Cup and the subsequent celebrations are to go on sale next month.

The photos of the England Men’s and Women’s winning teams from this year and 2017 respectively will be presented in two miniature sheets. 

Yes, they did well, but why then did officials from the Royal Mint reject a proposal to feature Enid Blyton on a fifty pence coin? She must surely rank high among Britain’s list of literary greats.

Minutes from a meeting held in 2016 and published at the weekend reveal that a proposal to celebrate Blyton was turned down because someone (he or she remains unnamed) claimed that Ms Blyton ‘is known to have been a racist, sexist, homophobe and not a very well-regarded writer.’

If you look Blyton up on Google, the Wikipedia entry for her uses almost identical wording!

If the unnamed person had bothered to investigate a little more deeply, they would know that there is much more to Enid Blyton than a few troublesome characters. She shaped the world of children’s literature and her stories inspired millions of youngsters (including me) to learn to love books.

Which is why Enid Blyton deserves to be acknowledged in the traditional fashion as a significant 20th-century figure.

Creative people are often deeply troubled individuals (I should know damnit!)  and Blyton was no exception. She was also a product of her era, born in 1897. But with the cultural nonsense that is sweeping through Britain’s major institutions at the moment, the work – however inspiring – produced by any but the most socially unimpeachable -by modern standards anyway – characters just has to be thrown out as politically incorrect.

Some of Enid Blyton’s stories will possibly make the modern reader cringe. Yes, she was politically and culturally out of line with twenty-first century thinking, but so were Billy the Bard, Graham Greene, Conrad and Hemingway. Like them, she was a damn good storyteller who sold more than 600 million copies of 700 titles worldwide.

Whatever else she was, Enid Blyton is part of Britain’s cultural history and should be admired not castigated for her views on life. Good storytelling is very rare and the attitudes and ideas Blyton explores throughout her books — prejudice, punishment, redemption etc — are integral to the lives we lead.

The fact that she managed to put them over in a style of language understood and loved by children is not an indication of wickedness; it is a mark of her genius. She did far more for this nation and many others than winning a sporting tournament.

While almost half a million innocent folk have had their holiday plans ruined or upended through a three-day strike by British Airways pilots, the leader of their Union makes most of the newspapers this week by taking a luxury holiday in the Mediterranean.

Surely this man, Brian Strutton, who takes home a cool £141,000-a-year plus perks is a raging hypocrite? Images of him strolling around the Riviera must be a slap in the face for those families who have lost out both financially and emotionally through the strike. For the record, Strutton is now enjoying a seven-night Mediterranean cruise – costing around £1,000 a person – with his wife and two sons.

Asked why he should enjoy a holiday while threatening the breaks of so many, he told a reporter from The Sun, ‘Hmm, well we are trying not to affect other people’s holidays of course.’

What mealy-mouthed cant is that? The strike will cause the cancellation of around eight hundred and fifty BA flights on each of the three strike dates. There will also be knock-on disruption for days before and after the action. Understandably this has caused widespread alarm among passengers, with many cancelling and booking flights with other airlines.

Pilots working for the airline have rejected an eleven and a half per cent pay rise over three years plus a bonus worth one per cent of this year’s salary. As glorified bus drivers, they are already hugely overpaid so this is pure greed.

Mr Strutton told reporters, ‘I met with BA on Thursday and they said they would not offer any more than the pilots have already massively rejected. Therefore we had little choice but to issue strike dates.’

He added that the union ‘will be there’ if the airline was prepared to negotiate further.

He won’t though. He will be soaking up the sunshine and living the good life with his family. It is alright for some!

We hear a great deal about the wonders of the National Health Service and how it must not be allowed to fold up. In fact, the NHS has been the symbol of Britain almost since its inception soon after World War Two.

I have ranted before about the money that is being wasted within the service on inflated salaries for pen pushers in back rooms and the fact that some frontline professionals are allowed to retire on ill heath grounds with a fat pension, then come back as consultants – an iniquitous and highly corrupt practice in my opinion,

Now it emerges that overseas patients have left the NHS with more than a hundred and fifty million pounds owing in unpaid bills. It is estimated that this money could pay for six thousand extra nurses. Twenty-two thousand heart bypass operations or just under five thousand junior doctors.

So why on earth is this allowed damnit?! Surely these people should be chased up and if necessary, brought to Court? If you or I don’t pay a bill, we are chased and prosecuted. I realise that many patients probably jump on the next flight to their homeland, but in this day and age of instant communication between police forces (I can’t bring myself to be politically correct and call them services!) it cannot be too difficult to chase them up.

But no, it seems there is a new-found reluctance among frontline staff to chase payments, with doctors’ leaders saying that their obligation to charge overseas patients is ‘racist’ and deters vulnerable groups from seeking help.

It is the National Health Service damnit and those of us who use it have paid into it throughout our working careers. It is NOT an International Health Service so there have to be charges for overseas visitors. Why should my hard-earned money pay for rich health tourists from Nigeria or elsewhere?

Many other unentitled patients may have had free treatment too, as staff presumed they were UK residents or chose to turn a blind eye as part of a new drive from within the service.

This is despite tough new guidance issued by the Department of Health at the end of 2017 instructing staff to properly identify overseas visitors by asking for passports and utility bills, and to hand out invoices before starting treatment.

It seems though that these stricter rules are strongly opposed by doctors’ leaders, including the British Medical Association, with some members describing them as racist. Oh come on! One pressure group called Docs Not Cops is actively discouraging staff from handing out bills and urges them to challenge colleagues if they are seen to check patients’ passports. Other influential bodies including the Royal College of Midwives and the Royal College of Paediatricians and Child Health have warned that the charges will deter vulnerable pregnant women and mothers with sick children from seeking help.

That is pusillanimous claptrap damnit! One hundred and fifty million quid could go a very long way in paying for vast improvements to an already faltering system. Organisations like the BMA  are always the first to say the NHS needs more money, so surely they can help deliver that by helping to ensure these large sums of money are collected and put back into the system.

By law only patients classed as ‘ordinarily resident’ in the UK – living here for at least six months and paying taxes – are entitled to free NHS care in hospitals.

I mentioned Nigeria, not because I was singling out that country with its oil-rich millionaires but because one hospital is still chasing a bill of more than half a million pounds from a Nigerian mother who gave birth to quadruplets in 2016.

She had originally flown to Chicago in order to have her babies but was turned away by US officials who claimed she would be unable to afford the healthcare costs. So she came to Britain where this country’s politically correct establishment did the necessary and delivered the babies.

Hospital staff have estimated that the total bill for her complicated delivery and subsequent care of the babies amounted to well over the half million stipulated, but presumably nobody wanted to be perceived as racist, so Priscilla (bless her) was able to go home and now her whereabouts is unknown.

How much longer is this crazy state of affairs going to be allowed to go on? Surely our mealy-mouthed politicians should be making a stand, but apart from one or two Tory dissenters from the politically correct brigade, Parliament is ominously silent.

I mentioned the purchase of essays by university students yesterday and it seems that this applies to medical schools as well. Thousands of student doctors and nurses are paying other academics to write their university essays.

Hundreds of shadowy websites peddle essays on all topics from asthma to cancer, allowing student medics to avoid writing essays themselves. Dr Thomas Lancaster of Imperial College London said that this calls into question the integrity of NHS staff and raises concerns about other forms of malpractice.

‘The real danger is that doctors who have cheated go on to other forms of unscrupulous behaviour,’ he said. ‘They are developing a lack of integrity while at university.’

To hell with that line Dr Lancaster. Surely it is far more worrying that the doctor treating you or me might have bought his or her degree and in reality, know nothing about how to effect a cure.

The NHS has been good to me in the past, but I have paid for it and the more I learn about the behind-the-scenes shenanigans going on, the less I trust the service.

I might have told this story before in these pages, but way back in the early eighties when Zimbabwe was trying to find its feet, I spoke to a couple of junior doctors from Britain who as part of their training had completed a stint at Mpilo hospital in Bulawayo.

“What did you think of our medical facilities?” I asked and one of them rolled his eyes.

“Don’t get sick,” was his advice and the same is beginning to apply in modern Britain.

On another tack, I have never really known what to make of Jeremy Paxman. He has always cut an abrasive figure but while I have sometimes cringed for his ‘victims’ in interviews, I do enjoy his scribbling for its wit and deep inner humour.

This week he laid into the state of Parliament and called the three most recent prime ministers the worst in modern times.

Paxman lambasted that pompous prat Cameron over the 2016 referendum and his subsequent flight then described Mother Maybe as a ‘cornucopia of failure.’

Speaking about Boris Johnson, Paxman told the Radio Times: ‘Now we find ourselves required to entrust the country to a man you wouldn’t trust alone with your sister.’

Well said on all three counts Mr Paxman, but judging by the rest of the current crop of politicians, Boris is the only hope we have.

Scary isn’t it?

I know this has nothing to do with the heading, but I must further comment on my rant yesterday and the cricket that followed. England won a nail biting match by one wicket, thanks almost entirely to an innings by Ben Stokes that must surely rank with some of the great innings’ through cricketing history.

Stokes is very much a modern cricketer and he used a few shots toward the end of his innings that won’t be found in any text book, but he did not try to smite his way out of trouble like so many of his colleagues. His technique was solid and he batted with sound common sense and no urgency, even when wickets were tumbling around him. He had luck on his side and should have been given out when England only needed one run to draw level, but overall he batted with gritty, old-fashioned fortitude.

I am sure the Australian cricketers will be emotionally flattened today, but they can console themselves with the thought that they were part of a fantastic Test Match that embodied all the virtues of old-fashioned international cricket. Two Tests to go and anything could happen!

Back in the ‘real’ world (is it?) common sense seems to have given way to politically correct cowardice. Take universities for example. In recent years they have faced repeated protests by students over their past associations with imperialism and slavery. Surely these students should be concentrating on study rather than protests?

In 2016, Jesus College which is part of Cambridge University removed from its main hall a bronze statue depicting a cockerel that came from the West African kingdom of Benin in the 19th century. Commendable I am sure but it will now be languishing in a store room somewhere, just gathering dust. What good does that do for anyone?

Around the same time, Oxford University faced an angry but ultimately unsuccessful campaign to remove a statue of 19th-century British imperialist Cecil Rhodes. No matter what else he might have done, Rhodes did wonders for this country and for Oxford University. That particular campaign was led by a South African who was studying under a Rhodes’ Scholarship. If that is not rank hypocrisy, what is?

Now I read that Glasgow University are to pay twenty million quid to the University of the West Indies as reparation for slavery. What world do these academics actually inhabit? Surely that money could be used to help their own students?

One celebrated author and academic, Joanna Williams seems to agree with me, at least to a limited extent. She told the BBC, ‘For me, the number one problem with this is that it suggests people who are alive today bear some historical responsibility for what their ancestors did in the past.

‘These were truly barbaric and criminal acts, but to suggest that people alive today are responsible for the sins of their ancestors is a step too far.’

Of course it ruddy well is and Dr Williams added, ‘It also suggests that other people who are alive today are victims of what happened to their ancestors. There comes a point where we all need to move on from that and say that the past is the past.’

The money will apparently be made up mainly of gifts and research grants.  Keep those at home for God’s sake. University tuition fees are putting many youngsters into debt long before they get out into the big bad world as it is.

But Sir Hilary Beckles, the vice-chancellor of the University of the West Indies, hailed the move as a ‘bold, moral, historic step.’

Of course he did. He must have been rubbing his hands in glee damnit.

Anton Muscatelli, the principal of Glasgow University, said: ‘Talking about any institution or country’s historical links to slavery can be a difficult conversation, but we felt it was a necessary one for our university to have.’ 

Graham Campbell, a Scottish National party councillor, spoke about the agreement and told the Guardian newspaper, ‘Our mutual recognition of the appalling consequences of that past – an indictment of Scottish inhumanity over centuries towards enslaved Africans – are the justifications that are at the root of the modern-day racism that we fight now,’ he said.

Poppycock Sir. Those were different times and to try and put modern values into the past is idiotic. You are merely trying to jump on the populist bandwagon.

Earlier this year Cambridge University announced a two-year investigation into its own historic links to slavery, looking at bequests from traders and how its academics might have influenced ‘race-based thinking.’ It is also reportedly looking into potential reparations.  

Meanwhile we learn that there is a thriving market for university essays in Nairobi of all places. Latest estimates suggest that no fewer than 115,000 British students buy their essays every year, with the true number believed to be far higher.

‘Everything to do with academic cheating is more widespread than we know,’ said Dr Thomas Lancaster, a computer scientist and expert in contract cheating. ‘From my research, Kenya rules the world in this type of work.’ 

Most British students give little thought to whose work they are appropriating. Even if they did, the company websites are opaque, often falsely claiming to be based in the UK or the United States. Every student’s essay commission is filtered into an system of major writing factories, smaller independents, eBay-style websites, brokers and individuals advertising on Facebook.

The process is dominated by middlemen, each of whom take a sizable cut. There is even a secondary market in selling access to the most lucrative essay opportunities. 

Methinks it is high time that Academics did something about repairing their own house rather than worrying about incidents that might have occurred three centuries or so ago.

I have mentioned it before in these pages but cricket and I have been closely associated throughout my life.

As a badly bullied youngster at boarding school, cricket gave me an interest and a certain amount of much needed respect from my peers. I went on to play the game at every level apart from Test cricket and have played both with and against many well-known personalities in the sport. I have played three and four day matches but one of my few regrets in life is that I have never played in a five day Test – the ultimate achievement of any cricketer.

For me, cricket embodies all the good qualities a human being needs to do well in life. Not only a certain amount of skill but also strength (both mental and physical) courage, determination and coordination. It also needs the use of a technique that does not come naturally to most players. Cricket is often referred to as boring by those who do not understand its intricacies, but for the enthusiast, it and can provide excitement to the very last moment of the match. In fact, cricket is the ultimate contest between people on a sports field and five day cricket is its pinnacle.

In England, cricket is administered by the English Cricket Board and I am afraid that in their efforts to drum up cash to pay their large salaries, the officials of this august body have rather lost the way. Over the past decade, the emphasis has been on one day cricket rather than Test Matches and yes, England won the World Cup a month or so ago. It was a great achievement and was hailed as a national triumph but now the English authorities have to get their feet back on the ground. The national team is engaged in what is probably the oldest contest in sport, a five match ‘Ashes’ series against Australia. The sides are evenly matched but England are faltering.

Unfortunately one-day or twenty-over cricket requires different techniques and different mindsets to the grind of Test cricket, but the English players so far have not been able to adjust to the longer format. At the start of the series, they chose opening batsman Jason Roy and I groaned aloud. Roy hits the ball a very long way and is ideally suited to the short form of the game, but he just does not have the simple technique to cope with the Australian bowling. He has been encouraged over the years to play his ‘natural game’ which is full of aggression, but in Test match cricket, he is required to knuckle down and if necessary, bat for three days without taking a risk.

Roy – and indeed most of the English batsmen just can’t do that. They are like so many modern folk – in a desperate hurry to get somewhere – and it shows.

Last Friday, having bowled Australia out cheaply, England collapsed to sixty-seven all out, a desperate score by any standards. Yes, the Australian bowling was excellent but it was not that good damnit! These men are highly paid professionals at the peak of their careers, so why could they not knuckle down and fight for their country and their team.

That was the question asked by so many media reporters the following day. The players were hounded and castigated for their ineptness, but was this fair?

I don’t think so. Yes, the English batsmen looked pretty abject but the Australians were on fire. Success breeds success in cricket which is as much a mental game as a physical one. The problem lies not with the players, but with the greedy administrators of the game. Until 2005, the three day county game was flourishing and international cricket could be watched by the public on terrestrial television. In that year, England won back the Ashes from Australia in a titanic struggle that was enjoyed by millions. Rather than fan the flames of enthusiastic patriotism in millions of suddenly cricket-mad youngsters, the ECB sold off television rights to Sky, thereby ensuring that those youngsters whose parents could not afford Sky prescriptions were deprived of any international cricket. Not only was this short sighted, but to me it was immoral.

Those same authorities have exacerbated the situation since then by cutting short the County Championship, long a nursery for future Test cricketers and substituting fifty and twenty over matches with entertainment laid on. Yes this brings people through the turnstiles for a noisy evening out but it does nothing to improve knowledge of the game. Now they are bringing in a hundred ball challenge and calling that cricket too. How will future cricketers, no matter how talented they might be, learn to play the game as it is meant to be played. Like the hapless Jason Roy, they will founder in the deep waters of the longer game.

Yesterday the two Joes, Root and Denly showed plenty of old-fashioned grit and determination to give England a faint chance of winning the current game, which in itself would be good for the series. They were playing Test cricket as it is supposed to be played and in a series of five matches between two evenly matched teams (both have excellent bowling attacks and brittle batting line ups) mental application will ultimately prove to be the difference between winning and losing.

I despair for the game I was brought up with and pray that administrators will just put profit aside for a short while and concentrate on getting the great British public back to enjoying proper competitive Test match cricket.

Who knows, with a little bit of enlightenment – and common sense of course – they might forego huge profit and bring it back to terrestrial television. That way everyone can enjoy the wonderful Summer Game.

In the meantime, I wonder who will win the Headingly Test Match today.